心灵之窗

Hallo stressful work

2012-02-05T22:10:00.000-08:00

Work, work, work,
as usual, it has been stressful.

I think it's like a taboo,
as whereever I work,
I will get accumulated workloads and responsibility.

But do I really care?
I suppose, I just want it to be justified...
with the money I seek.

So, let's sit back and see...
But I am up for the challenge.

Bring it on you work!

Eat Pray Love

2011-09-02T20:06:00.001-07:00

I suddenly feel that I am like the character in the movie, I wanted to flee, to go away, and most of all to do nothing at all. Visiting new places, eat their food, understand their culture, explore. I feel I am in need of an adventure.

But I am such an impulsive person, I may do it, when the time is right. I suppose... :)

Gratefulness

2011-05-20T19:08:00.000-07:00

I think I have written many blogs about being grateful. Often triggered by events, some unexpected occurance etc etc. But I everytime I write blogs about being grateful, I am very sure that it is always supported by different mixture of feeling, sentiment and gratitude.

It's a hard to have lazing Saturday morning, I received a sms from colleague a while ago, informing me that the English teacher of our office center has passed away due to heart attack. It shaken me a while...well, I dont know him very well and at times, not really bothered to greet him good morning when he walked into the office. But still, this is shocking...he still walked into the office 3 days ago, I greeted him good morning with a smile and today.....life, how unexpected.

I remember sitting with him having a break during the fair early this month. He and Uncle Jerry and myself were talking about some crap, about necrophilia. It was crap talk, but we had a good laugh. My soft heart made me weep for this sudden occurance, it's wierd to weep for someone I hardly know? But I guess the tears are for...not understanding how fragile life could be? I feel very sorry for his family and his 10 years old boy...

Such occurance, make me ponder again. Often thinking that being alive, is an act of nature. Come to think about it again, it's probably not. Probably every breath we inhale worth to be thankful. It reminds me of my days in church, always thankful to God for everything I have in life, for the air, for the food....and I feel today, I had that feeling back. The lyrics of a hymn keeps playing on my head, "Give thanks, with a graceful heart, give thanks to the holy one..."

Seeing people's lost of love ones remind me of being grateful of what I have. Family, friends, a reasonable job, some money and a "him" in my life. All the greatful experience, and yes, for all this I am really grateful.

This, I am really grateful

2011-04-29T06:09:00.000-07:00

Many things have taken place ever since 15th January 2011 when I last blogged. I took time to read through my previous blogs, they gave memories of how I walked from 2008 till present. Good time, bad time, sad time, happy time....great memories.

These blogs, they remind me many of those moments that I have been through during my years in KL...those were words of thoughts that have walked me through some tough time when I was alone. It was one of my only channel of expressing myself when I broke down.

To you, they may be just lines of words, but for me, they are like a flash back, I have got motion of what happened playing on my head, some scenes hurt a little and I weeped a little, but thats ok....

It's coming to my 6th year residing at KL, I feel more than ever grateful that I guess, I have gotten myself a house. There was some hiccups and there is still some hitches, but I guess nothing that cannot be solved. So that's ok....

But what is more profound that has happened this year is; I have finally found "you" who still overwhelms and excites me, and I know you always will. Someone I could look into the eyes deep; and ponder a lot of things...those good, loving things. Your presense, make me feel ever so contented, so true, so intense and so loved. And I don't know just how fortunate and lucky I feel to have you...

I would love to remember this feeling when I look back at this blog in future. How appreciative I was to have found "you".

I know...I will always remember this feeling.

Maybe the roads ahead wont be smooth, there could be hitches, glitches, pain, sorrow....but, hey, that's ok...cos I have you, and they dont really matter. Just the thought of you, makes me happy enough.

For you, I know it's worth it.

A-1-7

2011-01-15T05:08:00.000-08:00

8850, what I paid for deposit this morning for A-1-7! I couldn't believe it is happening! It just happened! So fast, so soon, without must expectation, without much hesitation.

and I am so excited...and yet worried on what to do next. there are tons of things! but I am sure I will be doing fine.

:)

Ohh ahh Yes!

2011-01-08T07:20:00.000-08:00

aha! It's time to shop, shop and shop!
I am in such shopping spree mood!
How lah...it's not like I really have lots of money lolz.
But this is the mood, I am liking it...it's me again!

They said I am so much perkier now.
But I am just being myself, and I feel this is the real me.
After letting go of events, I feel much lighter and relaxed and
I am really enjoying it!

I am looking forward to shop, holidays and many more goodies in 2011.
I feel like I have so much energy to disperse!
woohoo! :D

That you...

2011-01-07T09:13:00.001-08:00

After the many wedding sessions, it's always time to ponder....
After the many lonely nights, it's always time to ponder....
After the many family gathering, it's always time to ponder...
ponder about...when will I find you? Yes, You.

It's a wierd question.
It's a truthful question.
It's a sad question.
It's an anticipating question.
It's a hopeful question.

There are many things, many hopes, many kind of feelings, and yet not knowing what to expect with this simple question. What will the answer be.

That you, someone I could smile to...
That you, someone I could turn to...
That you, someone I could miss...
That you, someone I could share..
That you, that you...

That you...is yet to be discovered.

It's just a ponder....

about you...

that very you.

1.1.2011

2010-12-22T06:54:00.001-08:00

Am I still dreaming or time is just flying? I remembered end of 2008, end of 2009 and now, 2010 has ended. I frankly don't know what to expect this year but I hope it is going to be another fruitful and good year. For things that arent meant to be, I have very little expectation. I am still learning to be a stronger person, but I really look forward to this year....and see what are there to be explored.

Good bye to 2010 and Hello to 2011!

F.A.T

2010-11-18T13:10:00.000-08:00

It was a sleepless night...and for the reason is non other than, I kekembangan!! ai yo, I didnt know where the fat comes from but I have become much rounder ever since the Perth trip. And I got damn stress after seeing the weighing machine!! Mum is going to faint when she sees me! Gosh...I need to keep it down, God bless me!!

I will live with long hair again!

2010-10-31T07:18:00.000-07:00

2 years of short hair! Yes, I have had enough!

Now it's time for long hair. woohooo!

I haven't had straight long hair for years....

Now I'm going to keep it long and straight!

Applause!!! =D

Silent Night

2010-10-31T07:05:00.000-07:00

So it's Sunday night, but nothing different.
Still another lonesome night.
Sunday is the only official day I get my off in the week.
Yes, if I am lucky...
as many of the weekends I am stuck at KLCC "fairing"...
But this silence....it makes me wonder, am I looking forward to weekends?
Or finishing work?
Is this silence a good sign?
Is this a peace I should appreciate?
Maybe I should be more self-contented, self-entertained.
I tried to cope with it better, but at times,
I am still weak and frail.
Who can walk me through this?
Can someone answer that question?
A question, yet to be answered.
Happy weekend, Marilyn.

Flee Flee Flee!

2010-10-22T18:57:00.000-07:00

I want to flee!!!
I need a break by the beach to feel the wave.
I need a break to feel the snow and shiver in it.
I need to go somewhere far, where I can forget all the worries I have.
I need to be free from work, where I can manage my own time.
When the day comes, I am going to flee!

Trip

2010-08-18T22:01:00.000-07:00

I wonder if I have travelled so much that I don't feel excited at all now that I am leaving for a trip soon. I haven't even done my packing and deep in, monotone! Wierd....I wonder what would excite me. Anyhow, I wish I would have a good trip and hopefully a fruitful one.

Lost and Found

2010-08-12T01:29:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, you thought you have lost something.
Then, unexpectedly, you found it again.
Sometimes, you still feel the same for the lost and found item.
But at times, you totally feel different although you have been missing it while it was gone.
That is a lot of mixed feeling, confusion...
Sometimes, you just don't know what to do, what's the future, and how to go about it.
At time like this, you just have to let nature takes the path....

S.T.R.E.E.S.E.D!!!

2010-08-11T00:21:00.000-07:00

Work is pilling, the stress is really killing me. Doing the same old things, but asking you different quenstion. Undecisiveness, that's really a major killer. I wonder if I have to bear with stress wherever I go? Or everyone experiences it. Maybe it's the way I take things in life? Or it's just the way others do things? So many questions, what's the solutions? Oh dear, God bless me!

Home Sweet Home

2010-08-02T06:20:00.000-07:00

My favourite Tomato Noodles, yum yum...only available in Kuching! =)

Like mum like daughter, we have one thing in common, SHOP! hahaha...

It was my second trip back to Kuching last week for 2010. Mum turned 51 last week. Still young, and looking good. I think she enjoys herself much more now, working less and more social activities. She is now the official driver for Adrian, home tutor, cook aka maid at home phew lol. It's good to see her enjoying life, it's always a relief to see her doing well.

Adrian with his posing, I think that's so called, KomaRider thingy...

Everytime trip to Kuching would always be packed with food and more food. Everyone says I am fat but they still keep feeding me lol, ironic. At least, I have had my favourite noodles, tomato mee and sarawak laksa! Adrian has started to fall in love with laksa too, and starting to eat less spicy food. He has grown much taller now, and getting fleshy! But I still enjoy kissing his cheeks and I wonder would he be shy if I do it when he grows older.

A moment of family, at Mum's birthday dinner

Saturday night after dinner, dad and myself had a little talk. He told me it's good to think through if we have done something wrong before we sleep so we can improvise and improve. We spoke about many things, mostly constructive stuff. Dad always inspires me, I think he often speaks with wisdom, for this, I really adore him.

Good memories still resides, all the laughters, the food, the moment of sharing...I somehow feel a little home sick again. It is coming to my 5th year in KL now. It has been easier lately, and sometimes I wonder if it is time to be back in Kuching. How long should I keep staying here? There is a saying, there's no where like home. I think it's so very true especially when you are away from home, alone. After the trip home, there is always a lot of mix feeling of sadness, happiness, and motivation to do even better not just for me, but for them too.

I know I am going to miss them and I look forward to seeing them soon again.

With love, daughter & sister

伴

2010-07-15T08:49:00.000-07:00

好喜欢听黄小琥的伴。一首简单的歌曲，却带着浓浓的味道。非常真实的一首歌。

最近，在fb遇到很多老朋友，老同学。个个都结婚，个个都有小孩了。时间过的真快。看看现在身边的朋友，还是有很多单身的，有些受过伤害。有些连交往都没有过。有些着刚刚开始新的恋情。洋溢着幸福。所谓有人欢喜，有人忧。这样的情景，让我想起戏里常有的台词， “人生如戏，戏如人生”。

妈妈偶尔也会唠唠叨叨，我知道她担心女儿嫁不出去。不过，也不会给我太大的压力。妈妈的开通让我很庆幸。所以，要是没有个伴，养支狗好了，哈哈哈。。

找到幸福可是那么容易的事吗？刚才和我的好朋友吃饭。她和我说，朋友结婚她一定会到。因为她认为可以找到真心的伴，真的很不简单。所以，她很祝福那些找到另一半的朋友。这番话，让我很有感触。看到朋友个个结婚，通常也只是说一两句祝福的话，给封红包。那样就了事。不过，现在想想朋友的话，也很有道理。或许，自己还没结婚，所以一直都还没领悟。虽然也不知自己有没有结婚的福分。不过，我要衷心祝福所有找到个伴的人，好好珍惜。把握现有的幸福。

霉！

2010-07-13T05:38:00.000-07:00

哎，我今天还是“带赛”！昨天同事的个案还以为今天他回来就可以搞定。怎么知道，那堆“赛”还是推到我这里来。苦啊！不过，同事必须要赔赏顾客的飞机票钱，已经很惨了。对于，个案的处理方法，我觉得他还不够成熟。不过事情都如此了，唉。。所以，我也不能说那么多。希望，明天可以快快搞定这件事，不让我可就真的要@#$@^@了。

Monday Blue

2010-07-11T06:35:00.000-07:00

I woke up on a groomy morning, with weather which made me wanted to continue sleeping. My Monday was made "bluer". As usual, I spent about 45 minutes in shower and "fixing my face" before leaving to work. After I started driving, it drizzled. The sky was getting darker, the jam at Loke Yew road was giving me migrain and I heard siren of an ambulance from a distance. "There is always accident during such weather", I thought. After struggling in bumper to bumper on the road, I exit and got into NPE.

The drive was smoother but after the first toll, another ambulance passed by me. "Another accident", I thought. After exiting NPE, I was stucked at the jam of the roundabout and when I was about to exit it to the way of my office, another ambulance passed by me. Out of a sudden I thought I was just damn lucky.

What would all these jam, rain and little Monday blue compared to people who were caught in accident that morning. Sometimes, I feel I have complained more about life than to appreciate it. Little thing like this was an alarming call to remind me that it was, another day to be grateful. Another day to take a deep breath, smile and said "Thank god, I am still breathing."

好日子

2010-07-05T08:36:00.000-07:00

我觉得，开心的时候反而很少来部落格。其实，人不是应该开心的时候，想分享多一点吗？我认为我倒是难过的时候比较多感触，所以，要是我没来部落格应该就代表我过的很好了。。哈哈。。

这几个月来，生活得平平淡淡。没什么新奇的。也没什么很让我感触的。就这样，半年过去了。我好像没有给我自己什么目标，就那样，天天工作，回家，偶尔和朋友喝喝茶，看看书，逛逛街，懒懒散散。。。我发觉我变得更随性了。没有学习也没有成长的空间。那样，好吗？

人常说，平平淡淡就是幸福。但是，我总觉得平淡里好像缺少了一些东西。缺少了对将来的肯定。二十年后我会怎样？这是我不肯定的事。爱情，事业，钱财，家庭。。。好像，都没有方向。想想一下，活得简单也很可能埋没了可能达到的目标，埋没了可能启发的才华。。

有必要再自我冲刺了。是时候策划结下来的路了。

最重要的是让自己可以在平淡里也有应该有的积极。加油咯！

或许，还是孤单。。

2010-05-22T08:46:00.000-07:00

刚刚才和病魔说拜拜。前几天，病的像只死猫似的，全身无力，喉咙沙哑，说话也娇滴滴的。。想起来，我的鸡皮疙瘩都起了。那么温柔一点都不像自己。休息这么多天，也够了。今晚，还是一样没节目。这，可真是个无聊的星期六。想一想，这也好像不是我第一次那么无聊的过。怎么都还没习惯呢？往后的周末也是这样吗？唉。。闷！

Gateaway

2010-05-22T08:23:00.000-07:00

I just spent 4 days 3 nights at Krabi weeks ago. Havent get any tanner than this for years (since my school days) and darker freckles. I finally found some time doing nothing, gazing at the beach, lazing near the pool, SUNBATHING! I used to think only silly billy would do that lolz.

Krabi is a very peaceful and relaxing place. May to November is their none peak season, so I got to enjoy cheaper food, cheaper hotel, and more bargained advantage in my shopping. Many would go for islands hoping but I didnt (the boats phobia *ehem*). In the morning, there is row of boats waiting to bring tourists to other island nearby Ao Nang beach.

What is really unforgettable is the sunset, simply breathtaking. With the warm breeze blowing, such solitution, such peace....and I am looking forward to such trip again in near future.

What's cooking?

2010-03-07T20:06:00.000-08:00

Without realizing, it's now March of 2010. I didn't recall if I have written my new year resolution end of 2009. If I have, it's not 10% even in the materializing process, lolz. There is always a saying, when you get older, time passes faster. That seems like a myth few years back, but it's happening now!!!

So what's cooking this year? I sense more maturity in myself. I know it's a year where I would embark into something else, especially in division of finance. This is part of growth I really look forward to for the year. This year nevertheless, also bring a lot of weight to my physical body. Wonder if it's because my metabolism has gone slow? But I do believe shedding weight would be a very, very important resolution yet to be materialized for the year.

A year without much resolution, would be somewhat relaxing. Not hoping for too much, but a happy year. That's what is most important.

Ponders...

2009-10-18T05:08:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about life lately. Again? You may ask, lol. Yes, indeed. I always fail to comprehend why people often perceive life as something very complicated, continuing dwelling in matters which they regarded as "failure", dissapointment, turbulence... I have been dealing with negative people, perhaps that also include myself at times.

I am studying dissapointment in a close distance, but how could we get away from it? Except from overcoming it? Maybe by setting lower expectations? Isn't that failing to get the expected outcomes often set disappointment? Questions...which could have many possible answers. Many people are living with limitations of accepting their weaknesses. They like to acknowledge their strengths, but fear to speak of the weakness. But isn't part of us too? Our identity? If life is about mere pleasure, happiness then it's more like a programmed routine. There is nothing much to expect.

Confronting weakness could be quite a challenge, but effective to keeps things going more positively. Realising it or not, we live in all sort of cravings. You may be craving for ice-cream today, some may have craving on big money, posh cars, reputation, romance, achievements... All these cravings make people think they can't live without "them" anymore. Because these are what we defined as "goals" in life. Maybe without realising it we have actually lost conscious that these could be things we can live or live without.

I was reading this fact recently that more than half of the world population is living in poverty; living with no more than $2 a month. This means every 2 babies are born, 1 is destined to live in poverty. So many people died in disasters like the recent tsunami, earthquake. They become homeless, family less, goals less....at this point, what else matters? Apart from family and simplicity to live on. These people strive to stay alive with the basic; and amazingly everytime when I think about it, I am so grateful I am not the one destined to starvation and poverty. Everything I get in my life, is a bonus.

We all may define and live our life in our own sophisticated ways. But it's always important to add a little more contentment and gratitude into it. That could be the way to a more positive and constructive life. Besides, how would we know what is coming tomorrow? What matters is present, that's the moment you have control in.

老朋友

2009-10-16T08:53:00.001-07:00

带着淡淡的回忆，
想起。。。
一起疯狂过，
一起哭过，
一起度过无数让人回忆的时光。。
啊，老朋友。

现在，你们都过得还好吗？
真怀念和你们在一起的日子。
成长是不是也把我们的快乐和天真带走了呢？
希望带走的不是我们的友谊。

无论你们在那里，
我都祝福你们。
快乐，幸福。

30th Bday

2009-10-08T19:43:00.000-07:00

It just passed....that once in a year big day. None of my family or relatives nor him is around...but it was ok. It was just another day in your life I guess, but a day to ponder about, to be grateful. As usual, parents forget about it again haha, I guess when you get older this is what happened, perhaps. I gave some treat to myself, as usual for every year, and am planning for something bigger for next year. But I guess all I want is something pretty simple, my wish before blowing the candle last night was "i wish i have a happy life"...just that. Life could be simple...and it is simple anyway, I believe. Gratefulness is an attitude to life. and thanks people around me for making me special.

The beginning

2009-09-12T08:47:00.001-07:00

Time seems to fly. It's 12th September to date, I feel I am still in trance...and...it's almost October! Maybe some little celebration for myself, get myself some nice presents. I have found my new "target" for birthday as usual, but not sure of the price as yet. I hope it won't cost me a bomb! Or maybe a dynamite!

There seems more plans to be materialised and I am working on them. I can sense good things are coming...though not extremely sure how "good" the content may turn out to be. Working life is alright, nothing too exciting, nothing too stressful, it's just fine, at least at this very point. Not sure what to hope for, just lazing and see what's next, I guess, life's good and am enjoying it. :)

家

2009-07-27T01:21:00.001-07:00

突然想起，小时候很喜欢唱的一首歌，

“我想要有个家，一个不需要华丽的地方，
在我疲倦的时候，我会想到它。
我想要有个家，一个不需要多大的地方，
在我受惊吓的时候，我才不会害怕。
谁不会想要家，可是就有人没有它。
脸上流着眼泪，只能自己轻轻擦。。”

这旋律不断的在我脑海里，
我突然有些感触。
有着一点的伤感，
想起了我的家。

我的家，
它不嫌弃我的不足，
它接受我的过错，
它给我爱，给我温暖，
抚养我长大。

试问天底下，还有什么地方像家？
我好想家。。
想念妈妈的呵护，
想念爸爸的教导，
想念弟弟的吵闹，
想念婆婆的唠叨，
原来，这就是幸福。

我累了，
想回家了。

我领悟到，
累了有家回，真好！

快乐的意义

2009-07-26T18:51:00.000-07:00

这是献给我关心的人。希望你们幸福。

快乐与否，
你选着了哪个？

小时候，“快乐”这两个字，
不过是个容易写的形容词，
有什么了不起的。
快乐不就笑嘻嘻，
不快乐就苦包脸，
童年啊，
何必思考这么多？

渐渐的我发现，
快乐背后的意义，
哪有这么容易看得透。

小时候，
我们因为自己而快乐，
我们以自己的成就为荣，
不知在我们成长的哪个阶段，
我们开始把快乐建立在别人身上。

小时候的天真已逝去，
我们的想法也改变了，
我们开始变得自私，我们开始对我们的主见执著，
我们开始变得无理，我们开始建立快乐在别人身上。

好像全世界的人都欠了你似的，
他们可有责任去负责你的快乐?
这是习惯性的犯错吗？

我们常因面子，自尊，任性而毁掉快乐，
那样不值得的错，你还再犯吗？

快乐不应该是要别人符合你的要求。

你可了解原来，
快乐是需要自己掌握的。

这么简单的道理，
你看透了吗？

Finally...

2009-07-16T06:19:00.000-07:00

15th June, was the day. A decision wanted to be made for long....I wonder if I would ever regret what I have done, but until today, a month has passed. I very much feel that I have made the right move. I don't really know what is right; neither what is wrong. Maybe there is no definite answer either, it's just how we choose the path of live, isn't it?

Now, I am on a very laid-back and untaxing mode. Not much stress on work, everything seems in control, or it's just a lacking feeling of ownership since I am leaving? Neither motivated nor demotivated, I just feel neutral but still trying to give the best in whatever tasks I am doing now. There is a mixture of feeling which I can't explain, yet am trying to accept things in life with equanimity and composure.

I can't see clearly what is exactly infront. I can't say that I am extremely happy about the new job. I can't guarantee that it may not be another stepping stone. Confused with some personal issues, I am back to the point where, I am not exactly sure of the direction of my life. On my plate, I am not as yet bound with incumbrance. So, what is the next level? Get a condo? Go into investment? Wonder where would I be in another 5, 10, 15 years?

Anyway, regardless what the future lies, I am still in my happy disposition, am I?? I am always cheerful and goofy, or should I say I always loook cheerful and goofy. The least I hope, I am not lying to myself that I am having a felicitous life.

Slimmer neck??

2009-07-14T08:42:00.000-07:00

Slimmer and longer neck! No idea why lolz, the slimming doesn't go to my body!

My indulgence

2009-07-14T07:33:00.000-07:00

It was some time in the afternoon,

It was some day in the office,

I was looking infront of my laptop,
These clusters of.....

haha, my little indulgence at office.

Soon, they are shifting too,

Where to? To my new office ofcourse =)

明天会如何？

2009-06-11T01:17:00.000-07:00

终于下定了决心，去做某些决定。
我不知道这决定是好还是坏。
决定了，就该向前迈进，是吧？

放不下的东西，到头来还是要放下不是吗？
有些改变了的事，好像怎么也回不到从前了。。
还该执著吗？我很迷茫，我不知别人在想什么，
我或许已经那样骗了我自己好久。。
我何必那么顾虑别人的想法？
现在就为自己而活。。

我会努力的！

Crossroads

2009-05-09T21:21:00.000-07:00

Everybody is talking about resigning in office.
Everbody is talking about their frustration in office.
Everybody is talking about the same subjects, the "stick", or the "roundy" in office.
And, the list goes on....

It never ends.
Am working in an environment where I have to deal with very sissy, calculative antie, who basically not able to think out of the box. Also have to deal with someone who could be nominated best actress in Oscar. It's tiring. Office politics, I wonder if I am good at it, I guess nope, I am not. If I have to work with high level of alertness, high level of defence mode and bearing some demotivation, frustration, and feeling not that appreciated...how worth is it to stay for the pay cheque, and maybe for the fat allowance?

I was so tempted to tender my resignation. I don't know if it's the right choice. Well, the least, I tried to be rational and did some self-evaluation. Thinking of my high spending style, and looking at my bank statement, errrr....in between rational and emotional (I suppose I need to choose rational???) It's recessioning, that's the difficult part. But, what's the point of dragging your feet to work...indulging in negative force in office, listening to the complaints others have towards the different subjects? ahhh, it's a matter of time. And I am waiting, when the right time is triggered, I believe there is still a better side out there to be explored.

Wish me luck everyone!

Life...

2009-05-06T00:42:00.001-07:00

Last night, I went gathering with some old friends. One of them, who is in dillemma, parent is now half paralyzed due to stroke. Now, she is fighting against family issues, financial difficulties as well as acommodation issue. The next morning, I was telling this to my mum, she just informed me that one of my relative was hospitalized due to some health issues.

Come to think about it, life...is truly full of the unexpected. I should be grateful with what I have today, shouldn't I? One of the things I came to learn about lately is that, make the fullest of every part of life while you still can. I think I have widen my perspective towards many things...maybe, that would put myself in a better position. Some of the things I understand that I have to let go, for the better. Some of the things are meant to happen no matter what. It's life...and we are meant to take it whatever form, whatever shape, whatever dimension. I guess, that's what make our life colourful...

No more...

2009-04-25T11:08:00.000-07:00

Going through some serious depression, trying to get through some serious frustration, thinking of a good vacation.....ahh, life! At points, I am still, very lost. I haven't progressed ever since my last few blogs. The depression came on and off, bringing me up and down. Ironically knowing what is right but doing something wrongful. This is what we called life?

I am facing problems dealing with my own emotions, composing my own direction and getting solution for my depression. Tonight I felt I totally lost control over myself....after such a long time. I haven't had such a feeling, the melancholy mood just swept over me. I broke down and cried, but crying, is not going to solve anything for me? I urge myself to be realistic and rational to deal with the current crossroads.

There were a lot of negative feelings coming at once tonight, inferiority, low self-esteem, pessimism...there was this eruption of anger, depression, frustration inside. There were mixture of so many feelings, I couldn't understand what emotion state I am going through currently. After the crying, it was monotone within. I just feel that I want to go far from here, to the beach, to the mountain, to the valley, to wherever and shout my lung out or a field where I could keep on running until I couldn't feel my feet, could I?

I want to run away from here....and keep on running....wonder where these running are bringing me? Should I be bothered? Nah....

迷茫。。

2009-04-21T08:14:00.000-07:00

很想要放下这里的一切，然后回家去了。
心里有很多的失望，有很多的迷惑，
仿佛，前方已被蒙蒙的雾遮住了。
我要往哪一个方向走，哪里开始，哪里停步，
何去何从。。

我好像已没有可以哭得眼泪了，
是心酸，还是心痛，
我，只是感觉到麻木。
对任何事我不起劲，
那样的生活，
过得下去吗？
唉。。

寂寞，
多想有一个人和我一起走，
给我安慰，给我扶持，
给我一点的方向感。

我感觉好累，
想停下来了。。
什么都不做。。
什么都不理。。
要是可以的话，多好。。

四眼妹

2009-04-19T05:43:00.000-07:00

动了手术后，虽然，眼筋纠正了，却也把我变成了四眼妹。。。起先，很不习惯，没带眼镜头就很晕。因为左眼和右眼近视相差得太远的关系。有些朋友说带了眼睛看起来比较斯文，有些朋友就打趣的说很像professor。真好笑。不过，过了一个星期，我也渐渐习惯做四眼妹了。最近荷包有点紧，还特地选了便宜的眼镜眶。

这就是现在的我啦！

不过，昨天还是买了隐形眼镜。等，眼睛的伤完全复原了再戴吧！现在就先做四眼妹啦！

方向

2009-04-19T00:41:00.000-07:00

最近，刚动了眼睛的手术。在家里休养了两个星期。觉得人懒洋洋的。刚开始工作，提不起劲来。原本，想到动了手术后就要好好策划买房子的事。现在感觉好像自己还是处在假期的心情！

前面的方向好像有点模糊了。

我感觉有点灰。。。

想静静的哭。。

2009-04-01T07:55:00.000-07:00

这不是伤感，
也不是难过，
或许是感伤，
就是，很想静静的一个人哭。
给自己安慰，
给自己勇气，
去面对前面的路，
就这样。

我们的路

2009-02-20T18:11:00.000-08:00

走到这里，发现你给的不是爱情，
好像是感情，更像是友情，
更可悲的是我自做多情。。

新年好开心！

2009-02-14T06:59:00.000-08:00

回古晋国华人新年，也就是我最开心的时候了。
可以和家人聚在一起，那种心情游子应该会了解吧！

CNY has always been the happiest moments of the year. This is when I get to go back home and spend some precious time with my family. These are some of the shots we had during our gathering....(ahh, 10 days holidays aren't enough at all!!)

Just 2 days ago, Adrian gave me a call on my cell and said; “阿姐，我想见你。。” A warmth feeling swept through my heart, this little monkey head, always know how to tackle my heart. Sometimes I feel that he is kind of annoying but at times, I really enjoy spending time with him. He has such incredible character.....which I think most people would love him after spending some time with him. He is definitely a crazy monkey, but yet meticulous towards details he comes over (and have a caring heart at times, erm this is when he is acting normal).

It's a shame that I couldn't spend time with him during his up being but my love and support is always here for him whenever he needs it.

I know it's another challenging year for myself and perhaps for many people. But, I guess I will get through it anyhow, hoping that everyone in my family would too...and so as you, who are reading this blog =)

Have a blessed Niu Year!

好累。。

2009-02-11T01:30:00.000-08:00

最近，好像走到累了。。。
这条路，真的很不想走下去。
哭过，也伤心过，日子不是还要过的吗？

The Long Wait!!!

2009-01-19T19:12:00.001-08:00

So finally the waiting has ended, we got our little "b" slip yesterday. Didn't give me much surprise, or should I erm say, expected. At this kind of economy situation, I guess I shouln't be expecting much? Well, I still got slightly more than what I have expected, and more than the norm. I think I should been grateful instead.

凡事礼让,
凡事忍耐,
凡事感恩,
活的更充实;
活的更自在!

I kena "hit" again, sigh

2009-01-19T19:01:00.000-08:00

Last Friday, while I was driving home with my brinjal (purple colour kellisa) a Malay driver just came out in the middle of nowhere and hit the front right side of my car. The driver got out of the car, and started scolding me; I was puzzled.

He knocked my car and now I got scolded? I told him I don't want to argue on the road so we had agreed to make a police report. He kept insisting that it was my fault, so fine. He wrote down my phone number on a piece of paper, and while I was trying to key in his number into my phone, he just got into his car and drove away. What a @#$$%#!!! Sorry, I can't help it.

It happened again! Sigh, I was just thinking how could I be having such luck, with this car? I got hit for the 3rd times! Frustrated, I felt as if I could feel some negative force before this minor accident happened. Perhaps expected, Ox year is not a good year for me, even it's not even here yet! I am thinking, maybe I should mandi bunga??? duhhhh

再见2008年

2008-12-31T09:36:00.000-08:00

2008年到数看到的烟花，还深刻在我心。没想到现在已是2009年了。今年，得到了很多意想不到的东西，也经历了很多意料不到的事。对某些事有期望，但也得到更大的失望。无数次的失落和打击，我还在学习慢慢的放开和接受。这过程里，有很多的笑声，也有很多了泪水。对于那些突发事件，我也坦然接受了。。开始时有点辛苦的。但，渐渐的也适应了。或许对于有些事情，我看得很开。。。真的。。

看看今年，不觉得自己有什么大成就。我没有以自己为荣，也不认为有必要要踩我自己。我想凡是讲究平衡，这样生活才会协调。经济方面，还不赖，物质上的享受也和以往一般，没什么很大的分别。

今年我也经历了很多的第一次。这些新的经验，让2008年充满了美好的回忆。最可贵的就是认识了些好朋友，让我的2008年如此精彩。圣诞和新年期间，有些朋友送了我一些小礼物，所谓礼轻心意重，我深深感受到这道理。我也做了一些小礼物送给她们，但昨天忘了带给她们（人老了就是这样，哈哈！）。这小小礼物，有着我大大的心意和祝福，希望她们会喜欢啦！

谢谢你们这些朋友的陪伴，就因为有你们，我的生活更多姿多彩！

新年快乐！

Dinner For One..

2008-12-09T04:21:00.001-08:00

After reading Ching's blog today, I suddenly had a crush for spagatti. It has been a while I haven't cook that....if I must recall, it was like 3 years ago?? I rarely miss my own cooking, I gotta admit I don't cook exceptionally well these days. I used to have more passion in cooking and better skills when I was in Kuching. Eversince I moved to KL, this interest dropped, so as my cooking skills...it gets worse by the days with my cooking habits of bimonthly or even less.

It was raining cat and dog when I left the office, luckily the rain subsided when I got home. I went to pasar malam to get the ingredients. I didn't have anything specific on my mind, I was thinking of making it erm..fusion?? I bought ham, sausages, capsicon, onion and tomato (just whatever came to my mind).

I quickly got home after that (I felt like I couldn't wait to cook after the afternoon craving). I cut everything into cubes, stir fried the ingredients and pour in the tomato paste. It took about 45 minutes to prepare everything. The tomato paste was a bit too sourish, but overall, it wasn't too bad. I didn't even put salt in it, (trying to be healthy) lolz.

I finished a big bowl of it on my own with my eyes on tv drama. I haven't felt so much fun eating alone since Steve has gone for his Paris trip. It doesn't taste exceptionally nice, nor bad. It was just mediocre but I felt so much warmth eating it and was very contented with the meal.

I actually cooked extra wanting to give to my colleaugue, but since it didn't pass my QA for this round, I guess I would need to improvise first before I let her taste my cooking *teTtTt*

I guess cooking can be fun, even if you are alone, so long you are enthusiastic about it. =)

灰灰的三十。。（1）

2008-12-05T07:44:00.000-08:00

转眼间，明年我就要踏入三十岁了。不知是不是如此，我最近的天空常常灰。。人老了就会灰吗？

烦，烦，烦。。。样样东西都令我很烦。

工作烦，现在自己该做什么都不知道，每个人都说，看到什么就做什么。难道，就不能好好的规律化一下吗？我做好我的本份就是，那也就算了。星期六，星期天还要工作，想好好休息也不能。。那也就算了。

那个人常逍遥的旅游去，不管我这里多么寂寞也算了。。失落时想要找个肩膀依靠一下都没有，那也就算了。。明年还想到巴厘岛写书三两个月也算了。。不想要什么山盟海誓，也算了。偶尔妈妈唠唠叨叨说我还不定下来“掉理浪荡”的，那也就算了。我朋友说我都不年轻了，还不结婚，那也就算了。。我家人说，我别整天想赚钱，那也算了。。别人看我不顺眼，我一笑而过，那也算了。。我活到这三十岁，有什么时候不是都算了算了的过？

想想一下，了解我的人可真少。。

我每天算了算了不和人计较，谁知道？

可能就因为太多算了算了而伤害了自己。。

人生还是要过，我还能怎样？

还是那一句，算了算了。。

I am glamorous, o0o0o

2008-12-03T07:57:00.000-08:00

After the 4 hours of standing...with my heels, and really a lot of photo shooting from different angles, this was the photo chosen *TaDaHhHhH!!* erm, well, my face kinda look bloated here like a balloon! geeez...well, this is the confirmed photo chosen by Laureate, so it's final *sweat*. I heard the ad would be up on the 5th December, I am glamourous, lolz

突然，感觉好累。。

2008-12-03T04:34:00.000-08:00

今天，驾车回家时，我不知何时眼泪流湿了我的脸。我在哭吗？我想是的。。我的心没有难过，没有悲伤；但，有着淡淡的苦涩，有无尽的难堪，我想我累了。。

累了要一个人面对这么多的变化。。这么多不是我能掌握的事。不知到是不是我的命不好，还是老天爷要考验我？每一次人生低落的时候，都要一个人过。现在我很想要有个人来给我依靠一下，可以吗？？带我到海边吹吹风，到金马伦看玫瑰。。。

感觉坚强的我，好像不见了。。

我好想要好好的哭一场。。。

Fun with Roses..lolz

2008-11-20T00:09:00.000-08:00

ahh, it's blur, this is what happened when it was taken by unprofessional photographer lolz

Hmmm, does this look like a tanjung rambutan patience?

My lovely colleague, has made our department some roses rings. It has been for the past few days that she kept complaining that they were ugly before they were given to us. But I think they turned out to be pretty lovely =) and good to be worn for wedding dinners too!

So I have made my choice of the white rose, erm...I have tendency of liking white things lol. Ok, I know what you are thinking, a fat and short hand huh? This is Dad's gen, hehe..

Feeling high, I made few poses....and the papparazi has taken my photos erm with my conciousness lolz

Well, although our department will be seperated soon, but I believe the laughters, joy and the craziness amongst us will stay on. The spirit of CCO!

同事们，多多加油哦！！

My dearest Daddy/亲爱的爸爸。。

2008-11-17T19:16:00.000-08:00

One of my favourite photo with Dad

Last night, Dad called me. I normally call him once a month or bimonthly. Last two weeks was his birthday, I still haven't thought of what present to get for him. He doesn't call me that often. I wonder if Mom had told him that Steve is away to Paris and that I am alone at home...

Dad, as usual, had has his drink before talking to me. We talked about the norm as we always do, his business. He told me that he was thinking of buying a piece of land to develop, but he muttered, "Daddy is old now, may have problem with bank loan procedures."

My heart sank for a while...at his age of 59, I have never thought that he is getting old. I still very much feel that he is always full of energy and interests in things that he devotes in; and I am always proud of him.

He kept saying on the phone that he will take care of me and Adrian. Deep in my heart, I felt this was actually what I wanted to do for my family; but I did not express it...

These are some of my favourite family photos, after dinner at Kuching.

Before we ended our conversation, he told me that he would always care for me and he loves me. I felt tears rolling on my eyes....after a while, I replied, "I love you too, Dad."

Although, we rarely meet and communicate these days ever since I have started to work in KL. But, my heart always stay close to you and Mum and Adrian.

爸爸，只要你健健康康，开开心心，我就很快乐了。我会在这里努力，为我的人生目标前进。

你一定要长命百岁哦!!

Bali Trip

2008-11-16T19:40:00.000-08:00

On the first and second day of my Bali trip in October, I got to stay the Bukit Kijang Villas. The views of the villa are magnificent. Truly a great place for love birds and honeymooners =)

This is the outside view of the villas....I love the feeling of being surrounded by plenty of flowers there!

On the third day, we went to Anthonio Blanco art gallery, one of the most famous late artist at Bali (whom is famous for his drawing of naked women...don't think otherwise folks, it's ArT!!!
This is the entrance of the gallery...ofcourse no photos are allowed inside the gallery and ofcourse, I did obey the rules.

This is where we had our bbq pork ribs, the place was visited by a lot of tourists. The pork rib was great but it was so bloody hot :S...I was sweating until I got my bra and panty wet lol, but it was a good experience, indeed!

This is a shot with my darling Steve, one of my favourite =P This was before we sweat wet our undies, lolz

On the forth day of the trip, I got to go to the Eco-resort at Bedunggul. I think it's really a great place...but not so popular as yet among the tourists, probably it's a bit far from the downtown.

It's very much similiar to Cameron. The other day when I was there with my bf and friends, there only few rooms occupied..and I saw two gays dining the at restaurants, pretty exciting actually =P

This is one of my favourite scene at the resort. It's really breathtaking, and I enjoyed the cool breeze blowing on my face...

On the way to Beduggul, we stopped by a Taufu shop for lunch. This is a restaurant that only sell taufu in their menu! Definitely a place for tauhu lovers (that's me!)

After lunch, we went to the Botanical garden. I actually love the feeling in this little green house, full of cactus...At the time we were in there, it was actually drizzling outside, it's lovely to escape the rain in this green house indeed.erm, my candid hehehe, I wonder how this person could take a nap here...

I didn't get to go to the beach during my last visit, but definitely hoping that I can explore further of Bali...tata Bali for now...me shall be back :)

失败，是必要的

2008-08-22T00:37:00.000-07:00

成长，是透过不断的思索，不断的学习，不断的经历和探索换来的成果。成长的过程若没有甜，酸，苦，辣这四个把我们磨练成金的要素，我们人生的文章就毫无色彩。我们虽爱美的事物，但，不能排除酸，苦，辣考验的来临，这就是生活。。。

没有问题是可以用逃避来解决的，太多人都选择不去面对现实。换来的只是更多的失落和无奈。

我在想，人选择逃避的因素是什么？究竟是逃避问题？
还是逃避问题解决不了将面临的失败？

没有人爱失败，爱不好的事发生在我们的身上，或，在我们爱的人身上。

没有失败，就不会有成功。这前者后者的关系，早已是你必须接受的事实。面对失败，你要懂得坦诚以对，因为它不是我们的敌人。封闭我们的，往往是我们的自尊，让我们放不了面子，放不了尊严。

你今天要做的事都做了吗？
你的梦想，实现了吗？
你达到你渴望拥有的事业成就了吗？
你想去很多地方旅行吗？
你对你爱的人表达了吗?
你对爱你的人表达你的爱意和珍惜了吗？

不要认为你今天拥有的都理所当然。。
今天拥有的可能是明天的失去，
今天失去的可能是明天的拥有。。

反反复复的徘徊在得失之间，
我们要学习，
拥有的时候，要懂得珍惜，
失去的时候，要懂得放开。

如果，你因为逃避，因为自傲；面子，
放弃太多的机会，怀里有太多的遗憾。。
今天，就把你的遗憾转变成挑战，把你的自傲变成生机，
勇敢的面对吧！

活出你生命的喝彩。

失败，是必要的。

回忆

2008-08-21T19:50:00.001-07:00

当你回忆过去时，
是否牵动你心里的感动？

失去的，让我们留念，
错过的，让我们遗憾，

得而复失，失而复得是人生旅途必然的过程,
既然是如此，你又何必太眷恋过去的错过？

你要懂得失去的，已成为过去，
再难过，再遗憾，也没帮法弥补已成为历史的事实，
重要是你是否在这个过程里，学到你人生的功课，

放下已成为历史的事吧！
放下执著，放下心锁，
过去的回忆会随着时间，慢慢冲淡，
有一天，当你回忆的时候
它已成为你生活的色彩，

把握现在，掌握未来，
当你敞开心怀，笑看回忆时，
你会看见，还有更好的前景在向你挥手。。。

你会感动地说一句，

谢谢你，回忆。

时间

2008-08-20T22:39:00.001-07:00

水，可以透过时间把坚硬的石头磨平
火，可以透过时间把一座极大的山烧毁
雨，可以透过时间把陆地淹没
鸟，可以透过时间把它的鸟巢给建好

忧伤的心，可以透过时间来疗伤

挫折，可以透过时间去站起来

时间, 是成功失败的主要关键
时间，固然重要，
但，时间不足于医疗破碎的心，
因为，人的情感是最复杂的东西，

懂得用积极的态度陪同时间，是治疗心灵的最佳良药

这样，你才可以透过时间去遗忘，应用时间的精华，
迎向在前面等待你的幸福。

领悟

2008-08-20T22:13:00.001-07:00

人生是一个不断学习的过程。

我们从别人的软弱，看到自己的刚强
从别人的失落，看到自己的得意
从别人的失败，看到自己的稳妥
从别人的不足，领悟到自己的幸福
人生最宝贵的功课，莫过于那一杀那间的领悟
当你懂得从领悟中，找到你人生的方向
你就是在为你的人生开启另一个幸福之窗。